Your numbness is something perhaps you cannot help. It is what the world has done to you. But your coldness. That is what you do to the world.
She had become afraid of the community. It was her enemy. Other people, other women.
She had, without realizing it at the time, learned to follow Nick’s gaze, learned to learn his lust, and when she did go out, to work at least, his desires remained memorized within her. She looked at the attractive women he would look at. She turned to inspect the face of every pageboy haircut she saw from behind and passed in her car. She looked at them furtively or squarely - it didn’t matter. She appraised their eyes and mouths and wondered about their bodies. She had become him. She longed for these women. But she was also herself, and so she despised them. She lusted after them, but she also wanted to beat them up.
She had become a rapist driving to work in a car.
But for a while, it was the only way she could be.
She began to wear his clothes - a shirt, a pair of socks - to keep him next to her, to try to understand why he had done what he’d done. And in this new empathy, in this pants role, like an opera, she thought she understood what it was to make love to a woman, to open the hidden underside of her, like secret food, to thrust yourself up in her, her arch and thrash, like a puppet, to watch her later when she got up and walked around without you, oblivious to the injury you’d surely done her. How could you not love her, gratefully, marvelling? She was so mysterious, so recovered, an unshared thought enlivening her eyes; you wanted to follow her forever.
A man in love. That was a man in love. So different to a woman.
A woman cleaned up the kitchen. A woman gave and hid, gave and hid, like someone with a May basket.
yeah i’m gonna fuck someone inside of a blender
gonna be a drunk piece of shit cuz i drank a beer in 5 seconds flat
gonna flatten my breasts with bandages, sexually confuse some fuckers
yeah fuck you if you disagree with my lifestyle choices
got plans tomorrow to go in subway and shit all over the meat
gonna shit in your meat because you’re all sick fucks
next time some motherfucker tries to shoplift in front of me
gonna shoplift his dick right out from under him
shove his dick in a blender and fuck it in there
next time some sick fuck tries to oppress me because of my gender
gonna bake his balls into a vegan pastry
serve him a testical danish punch him in the face make him eat it
fuck you if you think i’m lonely i’m gonna grind your dick to dust
make a dick dust sculpture of a boyfriend
yeah gonna fuck my dick dust boyfriend inside an industrial meat grinder
my dick dust boyfriend has an oral fixation
oral dick sensation
i’m fixated on chopping off dicks
yeah blink my eyes i’m a serial killer chopping off dicks
vagina dentata fixation
yeah if you are in possession of a dick get the fuck out of my area
unless ‘dickless freak’ is a name you wish to be called real often
stay the fuck away from my area
am i worth suffering the loss of your dick for
filling up this bag of fresh dicks daily
i’m in hell
i’m in hell
i’m in hell.
I am so unmotivated at work that I don’t even have the energy to quit